“Submission is given and earned, never taken by force.” In this essential guide for kinky beginners, Boy Nerd shares his hard-won wisdom. Learn why your gut feeling is your best friend, your safeword is your superpower, and any “Dom” who shames you for using it isn’t a real Dom. This is required reading for every new sub.
In a chat, a kinky beginner has asked me about advice. As I was talking with Boy Nerd at the same time, I’ve told him to answer the question of the rookie. I really loved his answer, and that’s why we publish it here.
Boy Nerd is a 23-year-old Asian with a love for spanking, toys, and just plain old fucking. He began his journey about 3 years ago, and has since explored many kinks, including impact play, rope play, Dom/sub dynamics and much more. Boy Nerd feels blessed to be surrounded by friends and loved ones in the kink community, and truly cherishes the experiences and memories created with them all. While he is currently unable to live his fetish life to the fullest, he always tries to squeeze in time when he can.
Hmm… I’m not sure what specific advice I could give. Every dynamic is different and unique from the other, and I sadly don’t know much about your dynamic with your Master. But I can offer you some advice that’s helped me in the past!
Always follow your gut feeling.
If something seems wrong, off, or simply makes you uncomfortable, don’t try to force yourself into that situation. Your instincts are designed to help you and get you out of situations that are dangerous and potentially life-threatening, so I often listen to them. When they kick in, either talk about it with your Master, or simply tell him that you’re not interested/don’t want to do it. And if it reaches that point, use your safe word to get out of that situation.
Never be afraid to, or feel ashamed for using your safe word.
This tool is designed to keep you safe and protect you from the worst possible outcomes, similar to your instincts. Any good Dom will never punish you or treat you differently just because you used your safe word. Instead, they’ll get you out of the situation as fast as possible, provide any medical assistance necessary, and go into aftercare. If a “Dom” shames you or makes you afraid to say your safe word, he’s not a real Dom, and you’d best simply walk away.
Be honest and open with communication.
This is important in any relationship, and arguably more so in D/s dynamics where power exchanges are at play, and we regularly participate in activities that can have lasting damage. And this doesn’t apply just to play. I suggest being honest about how you’re feeling presently, if interacting with your partner’s friend makes you uncomfortable, or anything related to the relationship at all.
Don’t try to replicate a scene, for very rarely are two exactly alike.
This is especially relevant if you are trying to achieve a certain outcome from a scene, or if you want to try something cool you saw at the last play party. While it’s good to experiment, branch out, and push your limits, understand that everyone’s experiences are different from each other, and what may seem orgasmic to one person may be just ‘eh’ to another.
Like subs, Doms are humans too.
Therefore, they should be treated as such. This includes understanding that they will have bad days, have flaws, and have moments where they may need to put down their Dominant mantle. We may see them as supermen, beings who deliver the most exquisite pains and pleasures, but at the end of the day, they are humans just like us. Humans with their own unique experiences, emotions, and characteristics, which help shape them into the men we love and care for.
D/s dynamics are a two-way street.
Despite what porn and erotica may depict, the dynamics we create include both sides meeting their needs. And this doesn’t just involve play, but also the time outside the bedroom/dungeon/play space. In a healthy D/s dynamic, everyone’s needs are addressed and are at least attempted at being met.
Always take care of yourself.
Whether it’s physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc., you should always take time to take care of yourself. I understand that there may be a drive to keep pushing yourself, and to continue serving your respective Dom, I’ve felt it too. But if it taxes your physical, mental, or emotional expense, then it’s not worth it. For one can not pour from an empty cup.
Submission is given and earned, never taken by force.
Keep this in mind whenever you’re meeting a new Dom, or one reaches out to you. Any Dom who uses force and an abusive rhetoric to get your submission isn’t a true Dom in my opinion, and therefore doesn’t deserve the gift of your submission. For just like how we strive to continually prove that we are worthy of holding the title of their submissive, they must do the same in order to bear the title of being our Dominant.
Your consent is key and of the utmost importance.
I don’t care if anybody, Dom or otherwise, wishes to contest me on this, I will always hold my ground on this. Your consent is perhaps the most important thing in a session, and it can only be given freely by you and you alone. Never forget that without your consent, it instantly becomes abuse and/or rape.
