Stop asking ‘Why’ and start living your truth. In this first article for rookies, we reveal: your sub-needs aren’t a glitch – they’re your software. Trade shame for intensity, explore why BDSM is the opposite of violence, and discover how consent turns toughness into ecstasy. Ready to face your animal truth? Your journey starts here.
Maybe you’re at that exact point right now where you’re asking yourself if there’s something fundamentally wrong with you. You have these images in your head, that sharp pull in your gut when you think about submission, about ropes, or a firm, guiding hand. And simultaneously, that voice inside you whispers: “This is perverse. This is sick.”
I want to tell you one thing right away: That voice isn’t yours – it’s the echo of a society that doesn’t understand what BDSM really means.
To clarify this once and for all: You are not sick, and you even have it in writing. Since the 11th revision of the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11), the WHO has officially struck BDSM from the list of psychological disorders. It is not a disease; it is a sexual preference. This settles the point once and for all.
Many of us know this specific moment: You’ve just finally made peace with your gay identity and realized it’s not a “glitch” in your life – and suddenly you’re staring at the next hurdle. It’s like a second coming-out to yourself.
You ask yourself: Why do I need this rougher edge? Why am I attracted to humiliation or the play with pain? Isn’t it just ‘too much’ after all? You try to push these thoughts away, but the inner need is stronger. It’s a deep-seated sensation that keeps pulling you back. And there you go again, catching yourself looking at hot BDSM pics online. You jerk off to them, enjoying the horniness – but in the moment right after, the guilt returns and you ask yourself over and over: WHY am I so perverse?
I have to be honest with you: I cannot answer the question of ‘WHY.’ No one can.
Basically, it’s a question as pointless as asking why you are gay. There is no biological formula and no psychological derivation that fully explains this deep desire. It is part of your software, a part of you. Period.
Therefore, my advice: Strike the ‘Why’ from your head. It only leads you in circles and keeps you from asking the most important question: How do I deal with it?
Now, there are many who try to suppress the whole thing. But as I said: It is part of your software, and you cannot run away from yourself. That’s a race you will always lose.
You will always come back to the point where you realize that something essential is missing. Emptiness cannot be filled through ignorance. Therefore, the all-decisive question is: How do you live it in a way that feels right for you? How do you integrate this desire into your life without losing your integrity? The answer lies not in suppression, but in context.
First, you must learn to categorize your own needs. Ask yourself, when you see a BDSM porn or images again: What exactly does it do to you? What emotions are being awakened? What about it do I like? Why would I want to be in the situation that the hot guy in the pic or video is in right now?
It’s not (only) about the visuals, the toys, and the gear, but about the emotions behind them. It’s about the feeling of letting go of control – or taking it over. It’s about the intensity that arises when all societal masks fall.
At this point, many rookies get scared. They think: “But how can it be morally right to find pain or humiliation hot?” Here we must draw a very sharp line: BDSM is the opposite of violence.
Real violence is a crime. It is one-sided, destructive, and directed against people one wants to devalue or hurt. But in BDSM, we use these elements within a protected framework. While the ‘good citizen’ out there might release his suppressed aggression uncontrollably in everyday life onto those who are weaker, we consciously choose a controlled escalation within the play.
The big difference is the motivation. While violence aims to harm someone, in BDSM we actually want to do something good for the other person – even if it might look the same to outsiders. It is a positive motivation: It happens because the sub needs and wants it.
And exactly in this ‘because he needs and wants it’ lies the decisive difference and the indispensable condition for everything we do: CONSENT!
In our context, toughness is not a sign of hate, but a tool for ecstasy. When I humiliate, use, and torment someone, I don’t do it because I consider them inferior. On the contrary: I do it because I highly value, respect, and like them – and at the same time, I enjoy their ‘fun’ in suffering, in being at my mercy, and in the humiliation.
Yes, let’s put it openly on the table: As a Master, I also serve the sub by offering him exactly what he is looking for – just as he offers me what I am looking for. It is a synergy where, in the end, both win.
The Beginning of Your Journey
Perhaps you feel stirred up after reading these lines – and that’s a good thing. It’s a sign that we have touched the core of your truth. But understand one thing: This was only the beginning. The decision to face your nature is not a goal, but the starting point of a long, exciting journey to yourself.
This is the first article in a new series that I have designed specifically for total beginners and “rookies.” In the coming posts, we will dive deeper into the practice. We will talk about needs, how to live them, and how do I deal with the fears that will inevitably arise?
You don’t have to go this way alone. We will clear away the prejudices together – stone by stone – until you feel the freedom you deserve.
Are you ready to explore the depth of your own nature? Don’t stop now! Keep exploring your desires and find your true north in our next guide: ‘Your Map of Lust‘
