Want to become a true Master? His advice is simple: be a sub first. In this powerful interview, veteran Dom Master Atmydisposal shares his wisdom on ethical SM. He explains why trust is everything, how a sub’s power is only “lent,” and why experiencing the receiving end is essential to becoming a high-quality Dominant.
MasterMarc: Hi Master Atmydisposal. Trust is the base of good SM and it is something that needs time. I am happy to talk with you today: a guy with many years of experiences as Master and pro Dominant. How do you see the importance of trust in real life SM?
Master Atmydisposal: Trust is everything; not just the base. I spend a great deal of time talking to potential play partners in advance of a session so that we can begin to build some of the required bonds of trust. They need to know I’m sane, respect limits and want to get to know them as people, rather than as just another toy to play with in My playroom. No one is ever just a toy; they are living, breathing human beings with a strong need to express a part of themselves that may well have been suppressed for many years. I see My role as providing a safe environment where people can explore and enjoy their SM fantasies and take themselves far beyond their current limits and experiences. Without trust, the sub will be unable to relax or let go, there won’t be the kind of Total Power Exchange many guys crave and the session will probably fall flat.
MasterMarc: But if you visit chat rooms you still find a lot of guys who are into a fast, hard and anonymous SM session. They dream about being abused and to suffer for strangers. Is that, in your eyes, what SM is supposed to be? And how do you react if someone asks you for such a session?
Master Atmydisposal: One of the amazing aspects of SM is that it can be many things; not one thing and if fast, hard and anonymous SM is your thing fair play and good luck to you. I hope you have a fun and safe time. Is that all SM is to Me? No, absolutely not. I expand SM to be “sex in the mind first”. Absolutely, it can be fast, rough, immediate, planned or unplanned and anything else you care to mention. So no, I don’t categorise or label SM as one thing. I’ve seen upwards of 700 guys now and while they’ve asked for similar things (such as bondage) as part of a scene, they can enjoy many other different kinds of kink. So for Me, SM is not “supposed” to be anything. It can be whatever you and your play partner wants it or hopes it will be. No one has ever asked Me for a fast, hard and anonymous session although I can see the appeal from both sides. I don’t do anonymous hook ups on any of the online apps either. I’m also not sure how important suffering specifically ‘for a stranger’ is to the realisation of their fantasies. It’s not like I’m a friend of theirs even after a fair bit of negotiation, so I can still fulfil the anonymous Dom fantasy.
Finally, I’d bring in the importance of role play here. I can be a mean bastard if that’s what a sub wants. I am after all a sexual sadist at heart. This evening, I’m seeing a regular client and he likes the fact that in play, I can be the devil incarnate but afterwards, we can chat about his life and the thing he’d like to try in his next session.
MasterMarc: If you meet someone for the first time, how do you proceed to earn the trust which is necessary for a good SM experience?
Master Atmydisposal: Earn is a good word for it. I think the most important thing I do is what I call ‘settling in’. So many of the guys I see, especially for a first session, are as nervous as hell when they arrive and it can even show in their physical demeanour (with shaking, sweating and such). So I sit them down and I issue My first command: “Relax!” That can often break the ice. Then I talk in broad brushstrokes about what might happen and I confirm and reconfirm My preferred safewords and alternatives (such as those to use when a sub or slave is gagged). I make a point then of asking them to stand and I’ll strip them to get them ready for the scene. Once a guy is naked in front of you, they tend to just accept what’s going to happen. That’s when the fun starts. Of course, you earn a little trust from an introductory process like that, but as a Dom, you also gain a sub’s deeper trust over time too. When you stop because a scene is getting too much or adjust a cuff because it’s become a little too tight. The more you listen and act on the sub’s concerns, the more they trust you over time. It’s a gradual process. I’ve now played with some guys more than 20 times and we don’t even need safewords the bond of trust is so strong.
Nerves can also come from a darker and more sinister place too. That is the all too frequent ‘Bad Dom experience’. So many guys tell Me about so-called Dominants that they have seen that didn’t respect safewords, or didn’t stop when asked. In My mind, that’s not SM; that’s abuse plain and simple. So I spend much of My time reassuring guys that while we will have a hot and horny time, when they need it to stop, I will stop, no questions asked. Of course, I also offer scenes were the sub surrenders his safewords as well as consensual non-consent, but these types of scene create complex dynamics between sub and Dom and require detailed discussion in advance.
That kind of abuse of the role of Dominant makes Me really angry because the good ones (and I know quite a few) seek to push and expand a sub’s horizons without leaving them genuinely traumatised. The fact we all share the same identifier of Dom is, frankly, somewhat depressing. We already have a position of power over our subs and most give it to us gladly. We don’t need to act like uncaring gods to get what we need from a session. And no, that’s not Me saying I’m a god by the way.
MasterMarc: It is something many “Masters” forget, that as Dom you are serving your subs too – just in another way. “Masters” who are searching for power aren’t in my eyes real Masters. A good Master is searching for responsibility. Or what do you think?
Master Atmydisposal: Serving is an interesting word in this context. Look, I get off on having power and control over My subs. But they lend it to Me, sometimes for months or years, they never give it to Me in an unreturnable form. When they are ready to take it back, I give it back to them gladly. Being a good Dominant is about being a sane, responsible and nurturing force in a sub’s life. They need to serve, but they need to serve the right kind of Dom that will take seriously the gift of submission that they offer. Every time a sub lends Me their power, in my mind I stick their power in a jar and I label it. That enables Me to cherish it as someone’s personal power should be cherished. If that sounds like new age claptrap, you know what, I can live with that because when someone comes into My home to play with all My gear, to experience all that My Dominance and experience can offer, they are getting more than just a temporary relief of their current horniness: they are starting a new life journey where their kinks become part and parcel of their life journey and I become their mentor.
MasterMarc: What should a guy that wants to become a Master consider? How should he proceed and how can he learn all the skills he need?
Master Atmydisposal: A really good Master needs to first of all be prepared to listen to the sub’s needs and desires. It’s not about giving a Dom a simple shopping list. A good Dom needs to be a master at clever questioning and creative exploration. I see a great SM encounter like a kind of spiritual dance. Both sides are showing their moves, but it’s only when they really start to move together that the dance makes sense. So a good Dom needs to be able to take the lead in that Dance, he needs to show the sub where to put his feet and his arms and he must determine the tempo and intensity of the dance. Doms must have a degree of emotional intelligence too. I am very good at reading people and especially My subs. I know when they’re in distress or discomfort from a scene that’s become too hard or when they’re flying through subspace. It’s My job as Dom to make sure that in all instances I read the sub’s body language and act accordingly.
I’d also say to ANY would-be Master: be a sub first. Sign up with a good Dom and take whatever he gives you. Yes, you may enjoy it, but you’ll also know what it’s like to be on the receiving end and have the necessary levels of insight to know when it’s all getting too much and is no fun any more.
Once you’ve subbed for a while, you should seek out a Dom to train you as their apprentice. I do this for would-be Doms and it works well. They get to see it from both sides and understand the gargantuan efforts that can go into constructing a great scene. It’s far more than donning some leathers and cracking a whip.
So sub first, apprentice next and finally, take the reins as a high quality Dom. Of course, many people won’t bother with any of that, they’ll go straight to wielding a whip or lauding over some poor unsuspecting sub. Believe Me when I say this: you can spot an “undercooked” Dom from miles away.
MasterMarc: Thank you, it was great to talk to you and I hope we continue with our Master Talks soon.
