“I should have been born without a cock.” This is the radical journey of Layli, a sexy content creator from the middle east who chose Nullification. Part 1 exposes the decades-long identity crisis, the war against rigid manhood, and the therapy that confirmed his truth. Explore the raw story of inner strength and conflict that preceded the surgical act of liberation.
Locktober and NOvember are over. That period sees many intensely living their Chastity kink. But what if chastity isn’t just a challenge, but a mindset that leads to permanent body modification? In the world of kink, few choices are as profound and final as Nullification. If you’re asking what that is: it’s the radical, surgical step of complete removal of the testes and penis, leaving literally nothing between the legs-Null. Guys who go this route are often called Nullos.
MasterMarc met with 33-year-old Layli, a filmmaker and content creator, who took this extreme step for deeply personal and kinky reasons. Having grown up in a Muslim environment in the Middle East, his path is anything but a decision made from weakness-it’s an act of unbelievable inner strength. The conversation reveals a fascinating journey, from rejecting rigid notions of masculinity to achieving a “double liberation” that allows Layli to fully embrace his sexuality and his role as a “female-oriented guy.”
MasterMarc: Hi Layli, great to have you here today. Are you a male?
Layli: No, no, no. That’s why I lost the one thing that describes a man. I don’t like when people address me as a man using the word man, like ‘hey man,’ I feel some form of uncomfortable… I myself don’t like these gender boxes, which only serve to manifest stereotypes. But yes, I have been born as male, but I would say I am a female-oriented guy. If you ask me if I am a woman, then the answer is definitely no.
MasterMarc: A female-oriented guy?
Layli: I have a clear masculine body, but I don’t carry the ‘weapon’ of a man with me. I don’t have a penis, and my nature is defined by supportive, serving qualities—which you could call feminine. I want to take on almost the same role as the classic housewife, both in society and sexually. Being a man means you are male 100% of the time and you carry that penetration part. I have freed myself from this definition. I am free and not bound by stereotypes. I am just me. A little bit masculine, a little bit feminine, androgynous, and somewhere on the non-binary spectrum, but clearly still on the guy-side, just to avoid the word male/man. After all, I fought to stop being put into that ‘man box.’
MasterMarc: And the cock was getting in the way?
Layli: Yes, because it created false assumptions and expectations. People didn’t see me; they just saw ‘Dick-Wielder’. I was put into boxes that I didn’t want to be in, and I didn’t feel like I belonged there.
MasterMarc: Well, you certainly reduce manhood entirely to the cock. But let’s backtrack a bit. How long have you felt that despite having a masculine body, you don’t feel like a ‘man’? And how did that feeling develop?
Layli: I get why it looks that way from the outside. But in my Arab culture, the patriarchy is simple: The penis is the man’s weapon; the one who penetrates is the man and dominates the others. I had to make that reduction in my mind to free myself from that forced definition. If you don’t have a cock, you are penetration material, and therefore Sub and serving. That fits me much better, even if I don’t want to be an actual woman.
And by the way, in our culture, many only see the Bottom-the one being penetrated-as gay. The Top stands his ground, so he’s not gay … he’s a MAN!
This feeling that my body doesn’t align with my inner nature has been with me for a very long time. It’s actually one of my childhood memories, long before puberty, that I felt uncomfortable with my parts between my legs. But I guess at that age, it’s hard to classify.
The stress became really acute during puberty. My penis growth and body hair growth caused real distress in me. I felt like I was forced to wear a suit that wasn’t mine.
MasterMarc: How did this conflict determine your early sexual life?
Layli: I had my first experiences at 18. Today, I wish it had been earlier. And you’ll laugh, but that was a phase where I thought I could fill the role of the Top. Even though I internally had problems with my package, I was socialized as a man. I am tall, I have a masculine body and male parts. So everything is as it should be. I started as a Top, but somehow this ‘role’ was very exhausting for me.
MasterMarc: You said it felt like an exhausting role-play, even though you were essentially raised as a man?
Layli: Yes, because I couldn’t really enjoy it; I was just playing the penetration machine. I just flipped a switch and went for it. Very mechanical. A role-play without dressing up, using my naturally given instruments. I simply did what was expected of me.
MasterMarc: When did you realize that the Top role wasn’t right and you preferred to be the one who gets used? And what was it like to surrender yourself simply as ‘penetration material’ for the first time?
Layli: It felt natural; it was nothing I had to gather courage for, I didn’t have to overcome myself. It was simply okay and natural to take on this role. But even then, that little devil kept reminding me that I am a man and I should prove it. And so, I kept swinging back to Top experiences, even with women. It helped me to realize that it wasn’t me.
Sharpening the Focus: From Dilemma to Decision
MasterMarc: How could you sharpen the focus of your inner image?
Layli: That’s a great metaphor. The image was blurred because I was forcing two different realities onto one body, and the problem didn’t have a name. The solution didn’t exist in my world. The discovery of Nullification was the moment the blurriness stopped—it was like the lens of the camera snapped into focus. Suddenly, the image I vaguely carried within me had an external frame.
MasterMarc: And how did you find this external frame, this extreme, unknown concept?
Layli: It was pure chance. I was in a phase of intensive research, in forums and niche websites, and there I saw the Nullo concept – it was a video or a page, and suddenly my lifelong desire had a name: It was a surgical, voluntary decision! My first reaction was shock and fear.
MasterMarc: You say shock and fear. Why this extreme rejection, even though finding a name for your problem should have been a relief?
Layli: It’s an extreme step, it’s unthinkable. I had to confront it, and this led to an intense internal war over whether this was a true calling or just a dangerous fantasy. The strongest argument was reason: You don’t cut off a healthy body part. That’s insane, normal people don’t do that.
MasterMarc: How did that internal conflict manifest? Did you test the idea on yourself before seeking outside help?
Layli: I kept a diary, and I would write down my dilemma, but I still censored myself. I’m good at Photoshop, but I consciously didn’t allow myself to edit my body without a cock, because I was afraid that I would like it. My fear was seeing the image and realizing the desire was real. This self-censorship and the inability to solve the dilemma logically on my own led me to therapy.
MasterMarc: You decided to start therapy with a clear goal. What exactly did you need the therapist to confirm-was it that the fantasy was sane, or that you needed to get rid of it?
Layli: I went in with one clear goal: I needed an objective perspective to know if this desire was legitimate, or if I had to fight it as a dangerous delusion. I needed confirmation that I wasn’t crazy.
The therapy lasted about six months, and in those sessions, I talked to my therapist for what felt like ages; she mostly just listened. One day, when I was listing all my reservations again, it came out so simply: I asked myself the fundamental question: Do I want to have a cock, yes or no? The answer was clear: No, I do not want one. She just said, ‘Don’t you think you answered the question you came here for?’ That was the moment.
I realized: I should have been born without a cock. My body and my inner nature were finally congruent. This was more than just kink or gender dysphoria; it was the absolute certainty that my soul had components that simply understood I shouldn’t have a penis. The surgical intervention was simply correcting what fate had gotten wrong.
MasterMarc: The realization is there. But the step from desire to action is huge. When did you flip the switch and decide to act now and irrevocably, despite all logical doubts?
Layli: You said it. It was an inner fight, and you won’t believe it, the Corona period actually helped me, because it was a shock for our generation. Suddenly you realize: you can’t even plan a year in advance because you have no idea what will happen. This phase forced me to see life as something you can’t take for granted. I had to let my heart decide once, without always being logical. I told myself: Life is given only once. I can’t always live full of reservations and fears. If I want to do something that is relevant to me, I’ll do it now. It was a turning point, not just for the Nullification, but for everything I’ve done in my life since.
MasterMarc: That sounds like a decisive, inner commitment. So, what were the practical next steps?”
Layli: Once the decision was made, it was all about information and logistics. I had to learn the procedure and find a clinic. I researched Nullo forums; most recommended clinics in California, but the prices tripled during that time. Then I found the clinic in Mexico-not a country of my first choice-but the clinic and the doctors were consistently mentioned positively and recommended by people in the Nullo community. With joy but also a sinking feeling, I contacted them, got advice, and decided on that clinic. It was a conscious choice to put my body in those hands. Booking the surgery was the first, irrevocable act.
MasterMarc: No easy decision, especially considering this involves several hurdles: over 14,000 kilometers distance, travel to a foreign country, and then an irreversible procedure that’s damn expensive. We really have to talk about the subject of internal doubts.
Layli: You are completely right. It was not a linear path, but a constant up and down. The doubts came back in three major, noticeable waves, even after the decision was made:
- The rational “Hangover” After I had the appointment, I was initially totally euphoric. Then came the “Hangover.” I asked myself: Is my package really the most urgent thing I have to correct? It’s hidden; it doesn’t interfere with my job. I had to make myself realize: The doubt is just logic defending itself, but my heart had already decided.
- The Test of the Universe The whole trip to Mexico was a test that challenged me. The surgery was even postponed by one day. I saw that as a Test of the Universe-a final chance to stop it. Those were two days where I had to fight intensely with myself. I had to prove to myself once again that I was doing THE RIGHT THING. If I had turned around and left, I would have blamed myself for it my whole life.
- The Spike before the Cut the doubt spiked to the roof a few hours before I went to bed the day before the operation. The thought of going into a room with body parts I’ve had all my life and waking up without them is dramatic, even if I know it’s the right decision. I had to remind myself of my life narrative that led me to this point. I should have been born without a cock.
MasterMarc: But also without a vagina?
Layli: I often asked myself that, and it was part of my deliberation. I decided that a vagina would look too feminine on my body. I didn’t want to be a woman, nor did I want to try to copy the female anatomy. Nullification goes beyond the binary decision of man/woman. I strived for the most androgynous form, one that is Null. That is my new, suitable anatomy. Besides, I knew that if I ever decided to get a vagina in the future, there are surgical methods that allow it later. A comforting thought, but the most important thing is, I am not a woman. I am a Guy, simply without external genitalia.
MasterMarc: Wow, Layli, that’s really tough and one can tell it was a decision made from inner strength and not despair, and that’s how it should be. I’m proud of you. Next time we’ll talk about the surgery and what happened afterward. I’m really looking forward to it.
