New here? Before you dive into the deep end, check out our first guide ‘I have sub-needs – Am I a pervert?‘ to unlock your true nature.
Your fantasies are the honest mirror of your software. In this guide for rookies, we explore the ‘Map of Lust’ – from losing control to the power of the ‘filthy.’ Learn why these desires aren’t dirt, but a path to freedom. Stop hiding and start adjusting your own dials. Are you ready to discover your animal truth?
Before we dive deeper, a quick reality check: Jerk-off fantasies are the most honest mirror of yourself. When we are alone and let our thoughts run wild, we don’t have to consider anyone else. There are no masks, no compromises – only our own needs and pure horniness. That is why whatever arouses you in your most intimate moments isn’t “dirt”; it is valuable information about your true software.
Let’s use this information and look at the feelings behind it – while simultaneously eliminating the prejudices that might still be holding you back. BDSM is like a massive mixing console with countless faders. Everyone has their own preferences and thus their own individual settings. The palette is huge, but I think we should take a closer look at the five most important dials right here.
Surrender / Loss of Control
From experience, I can say: Most subs don’t really love making decisions. In everyday life, they like to go with the flow – unless something really doesn’t suit them. Just look around: Being an “Alpha” means constantly making decisions. And whoever decides carries the burden: weighing pros and cons, bearing responsibility, making sure no one gets hurt. That’s why it’s damn cozy in the dungeon to simply let yourself be led for once.
Prejudice: Anyone who submits is also a loser in life or a follower without a backbone. The Reality: Absolute bullshit. I know plenty of examples of extremely successful men who love nothing more than to surrender in the dungeon and be taken hard. That’s not a myth from the movie industry; that is my daily reality.
Prejudice: A real man always holds the reins. Whoever gives them up loses his balls. The Reality: Giving yourself over is not an escape, but a conscious, strong decision. You don’t just surrender blindly if you’ve got something in your head. It’s a vacation for the psyche. Through the leadership and security you find with your Master, you can completely forget about the job, the problems, and the stress for a while.
Prejudices like these are everywhere – voiced by people who don’t understand the game. They find it unsettling that someone possesses the inner strength to voluntarily renounce self-determination and offer such deep trust.
Being Used / Objectification
This is closely related to surrender but goes one step further through the action involved. Here, too, the power of decision and the daily pressure to function vanish. But it goes deeper: It frees you from constant self-control – from questions like: “Do I like this right now? Do I want it exactly like this?” And in turn, you don’t have to ask yourself if the other person wants or likes it. You become the other person’s toy and place yourself entirely at their service. You are unconditionally at the mercy of your Master’s horniness, and you get off on his arousal, which fuels your own desire like an accelerant.
Prejudice: Whoever lets themselves be used is being exploited. It’s a one-way street where only one person (the Master) has fun. The Reality: This is a very heavy prejudice that I vehemently disagree with. Consent is the indispensable condition for good BDSM. A sub gives himself over voluntarily because he trusts the Master not to break him within the framework of the discussed limits. That’s why in BDSM we always speak of “use” and not “misuse,” of “utilization” and not “exploitation.” This is the first stage of CNC (Consensual Non-Consent): You consent to being at someone’s free disposal so that the question of whether “this is good right now” no longer needs to be asked. That is exactly what the sub wants and what gives him pleasure.
Prejudice: Only people without their own opinion or without character and self-worth enjoy being treated like a thing. You are just trash to be pushed aside after use. The Reality: In my eyes, it takes a lot of character and self-assurance to give yourself to someone like that. Even if the game conveys that you are worthless or a “thing”: It is a self-confirmation that you are living what you feel. To the Master, you are not worthless at all, but a very precious partner – because both need the other to feel themselves. And the idea that you are simply “pushed aside” at the end is false. Especially Aftercare is important and intense. After a hard session, it often creates a very close, honest bond.
Humiliation
“Once your reputation is ruined, you can live quite freely.” Everyone knows this saying and yes, it’s true – and nowhere is it as evident as in BDSM. Dirty talk gets many people off. When we speak about the honesty of fantasy, humiliation is often the most honest part. Why does it trigger you so much to be made small? Not because you are worthless, but because total humiliation etches away the last layer of your protection. It is a play with naked shame that, paradoxically, makes you invulnerable. When you are on your knees before your Master and hear the harshest words about yourself, your bourgeois facade collapses – and underneath, an animalistic, pure lust emerges.
Through humiliation, you are reduced to this functioning being, to the “pig” you feel inside yourself. Even if it might hit your pride, it is a liberating feeling to be at the very bottom. Humiliation is individual: For one, licking feet is a humiliation; for another, it is pure pleasure. For one, it is humiliating to show oneself naked in front of others; for the exhibitionist, this is a true joy. What is initially perceived as humiliating can quickly become a new, liberating normalcy.
Prejudice: This isn’t sex; it’s hate. Anyone who insults or humiliates someone cannot value them at the same time. The Reality: I could never humiliate someone I didn’t have a very high opinion of and whom I didn’t like very much. Again, it’s about the motivation behind it. I do it because I know my boy wants and needs it. My slaves feel and know this. Without this knowledge, the words and actions wouldn’t have the kink effect.
Prejudice: Anyone who lets themselves be humiliated has no backbone and no honor. The Reality: In truth, it takes an extremely stable ego to consciously let your pride be shattered in the game. Anyone who was “dirt” in the dungeon and realized they survived and even enjoyed it is actually training their self-confidence outside of the game. You somehow become invulnerable.
Pain & Punishment
In everyday life, pain is something we want to avoid – a warning signal from the body. In BDSM, however, it is much more: on one hand, a tool for training, but actually – and only people who engage with it understand this – a different kind of tenderness. Here, too, motivation is everything. I punish boys so they become better, so that they fully develop the potential I see in them.
Pain is a training for the mind. You learn to deal with it. With many stimuli, you can decide in your own head whether you want to suffer or enjoy. One thing is clear: You must feel safe and secure to be able to accept it. It is the fastest shortcut to get out of your head and directly into your body. It is the fuel that releases endorphins (our body’s own drug) and catapults you into “subspace” – a deep, almost meditative trance where the everyday world falls completely silent.
Prejudice: “That is pure violence. Whoever inflicts pain is cruel, and whoever receives it is disturbed.” The Reality: When I use pain, it is a form of highest attention. I invest time and energy into the boy to share a threshold experience with him. In a protected framework, pain becomes a language that goes deeper than any conversation. It is about uncovering feelings that are hidden under the hard shell of everyday life.
Prejudice: “That only leaves traumas behind.” The Reality: On the contrary. The controlled experience of pain and the subsequent catching in Aftercare often have a healing effect. You learn that you are stronger than you thought. You develop a resilience that makes you more confident even in life outside the dungeon.
The “Filthy”
This is a truly animalistic need and a major protest against the society that socialized us. It is about all the “disgusting,” forbidden, and perverse things that our “good” upbringing forbids us. Playing with bodily fluids like piss is the most radical taboo break for many. Why? Because we were taught from a young age that it is “gross” or “unclean.” Yet, it is precisely in this taboo break that the greatest sexual energy lies.
In BDSM, we turn this around: When a Master, for example, marks his slave with piss or lets him drink it, it is an act of total possession and, at the same time, extreme devotion. It is a super intimate moment. It’s about freeing yourself from the shame that society has trained into us. In this moment, there are no more taboos, only the naked, animalistic reality and primal drive.
Prejudice: “That is pathological and has nothing to do with sexuality; it’s just filth.” The Reality: Anyone who says that ignores the liberating power of breaking taboos. When you cross the last boundary of shame, no facade remains. It is the most honest form of encounter. It’s not about filth, but about cleansing oneself of societal complexes. Anyone who loses every inhibition before their Master experiences a freedom that is unreachable in “normal” life. A quick look at the animal kingdom: There you see how important urine is, for example, and how much information it carries. This disgust is something that was purely taught to us – biologically speaking, it is an instinctive signal of hierarchy and presence.
Prejudice: “That is a humiliation that should not be done to anyone.” The Reality: When it happens through consent, it is not humiliation in a negative sense, but an elevation of intimacy. In BDSM, it is a powerful sign of belonging and closeness. It is the seal of mutual acceptance, where no bourgeois barriers remain between Master and slave.
Your Individual Map
These five dials – Loss of Control, Objectification, Humiliation, Pain, and the Filthy – are the most massive pillars in the world of BDSM. That’s why we’ve taken a closer look at them here. But the mixing console of lust is vast: Perhaps you are looking for the security of bondage, the play with age (Ageplay), specific roleplays, or very individual fetishes not mentioned here.
Only one thing matters: Get clear about your own needs. I advise you: Sit down and write your fantasies down, uncensored. Put them on paper. And when you read what you’ve written: Do not be afraid. It is no reason for horror, but the map to your fulfillment. Deal with it instead of locking it in the basement of your consciousness. Only those who know their software can operate it.
True strength begins where you stop being ashamed of your nature. It is the moment you realize that your darkest desires are your most honest part. Welcome to freedom.
“If you strip away the lies of your upbringing, what’s left but your animal truth?”
