Meet servus domini, the Belgian kinkster who turned painful shaming into powerful self-acceptance. He shares his raw journey to embracing submission, the liberating paradox of restriction, and why chastity isn’t just a kink, but a profound act of trust and intimacy. Get ready to be inspired!
For many, embracing their deepest kink desires is a tough journey. Today, MasterMarc sits down with servus domini, a smart and sexy Belgian kinkster who faced brutal kink-shaming from a past partner. Get ready to hear his raw, honest story of liberation, self-acceptance, and finding bliss in the most unexpected places!
MasterMarc: Hi servus domini. I know you hit a major roadblock when you realized vanilla wasn’t enough. But first, tell us: how long have you been living out your kinky side, and how did you get there?
servus domini: I knew I had this kinky side back when I was a student in the early 2010s, but financial reasons and internal shame kept me from exploring. When I found my first partner, I dared to open up, but unfortunately, I got kink-shamed and called “sick,” “perverse,” and “abnormal.” Unfortunately, she was an extremely successful manipulator, and I actually believed it and sought help for this “abnormality.” Obviously, this didn’t help.
It was only after my breakup in 2018, and the help I sought to find and accept myself, that things started evolving. I ordered my first chastity cage, and oh my god, I felt this was right. A few weeks later, I got in contact with my Owners on FetLife, and it is with their help that I kept discovering new things, gaining experience, and most of all, receiving the confirmation that this community is sooo much more than just sex. Despite our different and busy lives, we still have close contact and meetups, both kink-related and as part of a strong friendship!
MasterMarc: Uff, getting kink-shamed is incredibly hard, even more so by a person you love. You’ve told us that your then-girlfriend (we should probably tell our readers you’re bisexual) was very good at manipulating you. Can you give us some examples, and how did you feel in those situations?
servus domini: Yeah, indeed; I’m bisexual. What really hurt me in the beginning was that I was truly open with her about my sexuality. She knew about it from the start and always claimed to be okay with it. But quite soon after we became a couple, she started to change her opinion on the matter and showed signs of not being comfortable with it, avoiding the topic, avoiding the open conversations we had in the beginning. I still remember one evening when I wanted to talk to her about it, as I felt I was being pushed into the “straight” direction and tried to explain that my sexuality isn’t just something you switch off or change when you’re in a straight relationship. It was clear that the world was swept from beneath her feet…
And then when I brought up I wanted to experiment sexually with bondage, she marginalized it. Said it was not okay. And the thing was that right after each time I tried to bring up how I feel about it, that night would end up in a fight with me being sent to my own apartment, like it was some kind of Gulag. This kept on for a year or two or three. She even managed to get me to go to a sexologist to “help me with my problem.” Soon after she heard that this was obviously not going to have the outcome that she wanted, she kept repeating in each fight that what I was feeling and longing for was not okay, not normal; that I was sick and needed help. Each time combined with a fight. And after a while, you just… start to believe it because you can’t handle the fights anymore.
It took me over a year (from mid-2018 to mid-2019) to get over that and realize there are so many more people like me… And thanks to my psychologist and my Owners, who I got in contact with in April 2019, I started to grow into the person I am now.
I work in psychiatry, and yet, it took me 3 full years to accept the fact that my ex-girlfriend had borderline… And I really want to forgive her, but it’s difficult since I still carry the mental scars.
When I dated later… I’ve heard multiple times when I said I was bi, “Oh, so the chance of me getting cheated on is double as high,” as if it was a certainty that was going to happen. I literally had a girl who said to me, “Oh, such a pity. You are such a fine guy; I thought this time I really found someone.”
But I have incredibly supportive friends who encouraged me not to give up, and also not to ignore that kink side. They’re totally vanilla (maybe some handcuffs, but that’s it), but they have a genuine interest in what I do. And I praise myself very lucky with them!
Finding Self: The Role of Owners and Sub Pride
MasterMarc: You say that you’re a psychologist AND your Owners helped you become the person you are now. Is it also the person you feel that you are? And can you tell us how your Owners have helped you?
servus domini: Yeah, true! And I do feel like that. I am a sub person, and to me, when I’m in my subspace, that feels where I belong. I do enjoy vanilla interaction as well, but I wouldn’t be able to do without kink. My Owners helped me by talking, meeting, gradually playing with each other, and most of all by showing that people who practice kink are not the ones we see in the movies and series; that these are people with respect, values, morals. That people who practice kink don’t live at the edge of society but can be anybody. And most of all, that people who practice kink are way more tolerant of so many things than the average person in this society.
MasterMarc: You’re so right with what you’re saying. First, tenderness is also part of SM relationships; it is also a desire and a need kinksters have. Second, the kink community is very open nowadays. We have become an open subculture, and I’m very happy about that. If I listen to your answers, I can read a kind of sub pride between the lines. Is that correct?
servus domini: That’s absolutely true! For me as a sub, I only enjoy my orgasm when I can please the person who Doms me. That’s why I also value the word “Owner”; this person owns me on a whole other level than “property.” It’s mental, it’s connection, it’s a craving to please and earn that trust, love, and orgasm. And yes, of course, I like the more “kinkier” things like bondage, edging, since these truly are, in my opinion, the most intimate and intense sign of a bond with that person, of the trust there is between us. And of course, it also brings me into subspace…
I like the respectful objectification of me as a sub, of the subtle humiliation. I experience it as a way of getting “stripped” of my professional/daily self. I can’t be the scientist who has to make decisions when I’m butt naked and used as a piss hole or when I’m in the middle of a living room serving as an ornament for some close friends of the person Domming me. Does that make sense? 😉
MasterMarc: Yes, it does. Would you say that living your kink side has also helped your self-esteem in a positive way?
servus domini: Most definitely. Even now, when I feel down or get turned down again by someone or it doesn’t work out, I get this reassuring by the kink side and community.
But in general, yes… Yes. A good example is the moment I saw the photo René Zuiderveld (Click here to read his introduction and check out some of his work.) took of me with my puppy mask and the one hanging there in my chastity in chains. And even now I remember that feeling of “Yes. Yes, this is it. This is who I am, what I enjoy.” And I wondered why on earth I tried to hide that part of me. I also had this subtle form of body dysmorphia where I compare myself with all these muscle-toned hunks, puppies, Doms/Dommes. And then there is… The average slim guy who barely gains any weight. Until I saw the photo where I turn around at the window and I couldn’t believe it was me… That I had this image of myself in my head which is not the reality. So yeah, kink definitely helped me literally see myself and the reality.
The Paradox of Restriction: Freedom in Chains
MasterMarc: Seems that restrictions are one of your main kinks. What is the attraction of it?
servus domini: Absolutely! The freedom. And I know that sounds paradoxical, but you’re free. You don’t have to think what you need to do or how or when. You don’t have to worry that you’re doing it good. You just undergo… And have the bliss that you know you are giving pleasure to another person. And that’s what I really enjoy!
MasterMarc: I can give you the psychological explanation about babies who are swaddled to calm down, and bondage is basically the same thing. Restriction of freedom of movement has a calming effect on restless people. With pain comes pleasure, because it uses chemically related neurotransmitters or even the same neurological pathways!
servus domini: I know that sounds paradoxical, but Restrictions let Me feel free.
MasterMarc: BDSM includes a lot of paradoxes. Pain can be a kind of tenderness, humiliation a kind of positive estimation, and losing liberties can become freedom. These are things that a lot of people who aren’t into kinks don’t understand. If we talk about restrictions, then we also have to talk about one of your favorite kinks: Chastity. What is the special attraction of it?
servus domini: Good question. For me, it heightens the appreciation to have an orgasm. Before I met my ex-girlfriend, I masturbated daily, sometimes multiple times a day. After we broke up and I’m not in chastity, you can be sure that I start the day with a coffee and a good wank. Haha! Unfortunately, it reduces the orgasm to some sort of banality, a daily thingy. Plus, you only focus on one way of receiving pleasure. When I’m in chastity, it’s sooooo much easier to insert a buttplug or play with my dildo during a nice hot shower than when I’m unlocked.
Plus, I also see it as a way of trust as well… you give your manhood quite literally to your partner. Letting someone else decide when you’re able to cum, hell, even to get hard, is incredibly intimate. For me, having a chastity relationship is almost more intimate and significant than a ring on a finger.
MasterMarc: What was the longest time you’ve been in chastity?
servus domini: Euhm, with some moments where I was allowed to cum to relieve pressure; 1 month and 3 days.
MasterMarc: Do you have a special goal?
servus domini: Euhm… I must say I haven’t really thought about that. But I think that will depend on the person I can have a relationship with. With the right person, I think maybe even a permanent chastity would be possible! It’s like a wedding. Haha!
MasterMarc: Hehe, that sounds like you’re looking more for male tops right now. Or do you think a girlfriend would be happy with you in permanent chastity?
servus domini: Ah, but my Owner is female as well. And there are so many more ways you can make a woman cum. I can eat her out, or fuck her with a dildo/strapon. For her, it has a sense of power as well and insurance that she will enjoy the sex. If she didn’t enjoy, I am not allowed to cum. So I will do my very best to please her and will even be disappointed when I failed to do so.
And obviously, a nice reward for me would be to be allowed to be unlocked and fuck her; Again, like she wants. Gentle, rough…
The Ideal Dom: Firm, Compassionate, and Kinky
MasterMarc: You’re talking about your Owner, but as much as I know, you’re just temporary possession until you’ve found a Dom for a D/s relationship. What kind of “slavery” and what kind of Dom are you looking for?
servus domini: That’s indeed correct. I’m looking for someone firm, yet compassionate. Someone who doesn’t cross my borders, but helps me expand them. Someone who can put me in my place and know what kind of humiliation I like, and yet is someone who you’d take home to your parents. I’m not into findom or the “you are nothing, I’m everything” kind of domination. It can be heavy, it can be intense, but someone who would also give me a nice cuddle afterwards. Someone who can say “you’re not allowed to cum for 3 weeks” but gently spoons with me in bed.
MasterMarc: Do you want just sexual domination, or also in daily life?
servus domini: No, only sexual domination. I do appreciate some firm “guidance,” but I only like to be objectified/humiliated in a sexual way and not a personal way.
MasterMarc: Good to know. Last but not least, what are you missing during these strange Covid times, and what are you looking forward to being able to do after the pandemic?
servus domini: I miss the carelessness. I want to meet with René, for example, but can’t since I’m not allowed to leave the country. I want to meet people, explore my newly found self, discover new things. I would love to go to Darklands, which is literally 30 minutes from where I live.
But I miss cuddles the most… I think after COVID, I will cuddle the hell out of someone to afterwards get my butt spanked, ass stuffed, or cock teased until I beg to cum, and then most likely cuddle some more. Hahaha!
What do you think, Kinkfinity fam? Does servus domini’s journey resonate with your own? Share your thoughts on kink-shaming, self-acceptance, and the paradox of finding freedom in restriction below!
